While I sit here typing, trying to tell my story whilst being totally honest, I look at my baby girl and feel guilt and joy at the same time. Having a new born I feel like my life is over. Never have I thought that being a mom would feel this way and bring this many emotions. Hoping this post will not bring any judgement, I am just trying to find out if I am alone in this. Am I alone in this?
The first 2 days of being a mom were pretty great. I felt nothing but love for my little girl and loved being a mom and looking at her. After the 2 days everything changed 360, as before I felt happy and love, now all I could do was cry. Cry the whole day for no reason, and feel confronted with my thoughts. Was this really a good idea? Why didn’t I wait longer? Did I make a mistake? Even though I knew better these thoughts kept running through my head. There are many people that are not able to have children at all, why do I have the right to feel this way? After searching the internet and confessing my thoughts to my doctor and loved ones I found out I was suffering from baby blues. Apparently not everyone is able to enjoy the first maternity week and the pink cloud. I just feel very alone.
My first week of being a mom: Does it get better?
Did I made a mistake being pregnant? I never thought I would think this way, but I did. When looking at her face I know it is worth it, she’s worth everything and I wouldn’t want to give her up in a million years. But suffering from all these emotions and hormones the thought keeps running through my head. Being a new born mom I feel like my life is over , and I shouldn’t feel this way.. but I do. I also don’t feel like doing anything as before labour I was full of passion for everything. I wanted to grow my business and finish my thesis, and now I feel like my life is over and I don’t have any time because my baby girl needs to be fed every 3 hours ( breastfeeding hurts a lot) and I am starting to become sleep deprived. I wish somebody warned me and told me the truth beforehand, the honest truth. The doctor told me that if I keep having these thoughts for over 10 days I need to seek help as it might turn for the worse and I might be suffering from PD ( postnatal depression ).
My second week of being a mom: Can I ever adjust to this lifestyle?
Day 8 has arrived and I have made the difficult decision to stop with breastfeeding. Why does breastfeeding give social pressure? One of the difficulties that made me hesitant of quitting breastfeeding was the social pressure of feeling like ‘’ I haven’t tried enough ‘’ or ‘’ I quit too fast ’’ or ‘’ have I even tried long enough? ’’ . But I have tried, I tried as long as I wanted to and found out my body ( fever, terrific pains, and extreme weight loss ) and my mental health was suffering. Day 8 has been one of the hardest days of my life. Especially because my maternity care stops tomorrow and I feel like I am ‘on my own’. My maternity women has grown on me during this new stage of my life and I can speak to her about everything, even though she is only with me for 5 hours a day she has been my rock. I hate to see her leave tomorrow and wish I could keep her with me a little longer, this makes me extremely sad.
I have changed feeding times from 3 hours to 4 hours which gives me an extra amount of sleep between feedings at night. I started noticing a change in emotions when getting more sleep, however it still isn’t perfect.
Today is day 11, which means I passed the ’10 days’ mark my doctor told me about. Into week 2 and I am starting to see the silver lining. Even though I still experience many hormone fluctuations, I am starting to appreciate life again. I have made 2 walks around the block in the last few days and only cried once so far today. With one day of no crying at all. It starts to look like things are getting better, and I am starting to believe that it actually is possible for things to get better.
Today I have cried once, I probably shouldn’t have checked my emails this soon as the social pressure made my emotions act up again. Shortly after my little girl started throwing up during her feeding, making me ball my eyes out even more. Even though I feel a little better, I do hope I will see more progress the upcoming days because I still experience sad moments here and then.. I just want to enjoy my little girl. I am just wondering if I am alone in this..